Alone Again (Naturally)

30.03.2025

I was naïve in thinking that 2025 would be kind to me. The new beginnings excitement wore off quickly after I ended my 5+ year relationship, three weeks into January. We lived together and continued to do so for six weeks while being broken up which was truly brutal. I thought I dried out all my tears in 2024 but turns out there was a lot more to come.

There is so much that is different being single. The last two times I moved house was with him – a tall, slim man who’s a lot stronger than he looks and came with big friends in tow – so everything was easier. Luckily in London there are endless people around willing to help for a fee, but I got quite used to paying that fee with love rather than my hard-earned cash.

Two days after I moved out, a family member had a very sudden heart attack, and three weeks after that a different family member died of Cancer. These were moments where the only thing on planet Earth that I wanted was the man who was no longer mine. I needed consoling, attention and affection, familiarity to outweigh my discomfort. I have always struggled to be affectionate with people, it’s not something that has ever come naturally, except with him. I wanted to be held, but instead I cried myself to sleep for weeks, my neighbours immediately hating the new resident.  

What’s confusing is that I have missed him in a way that I didn’t know was possible to miss another human. Like my bones are frail and craving vitamin D, like a vital bone has been removed from my body all together and I search for it wherever I go, like I will simply fall apart without it. I hope to bump into him on every corner even though I know exactly where he is – drunk staggering around a small bar in Central London. What’s confusing is that I miss him and yet I know we aren’t right for each other. I crave him but I know it had to end.

The past month I have felt lost without something to look after. Like my dog ran away. For so long I cared about him in a way that was just for him, in a way I had never cared about myself or another thing. My anxiety begun as our relationship did and it took me years to get under control. I was deeply in love with him for a long time. He was my home, but eventually you have to move out of the house you grew up in.   

Now my flat is clean all the time and I hoover every Sunday and if I want to eat cereal for dinner there is no one to tell me otherwise. Finding a decent studio flat felt near impossible and I’m now paying £500 more a month to live in a 17m₂ box than I was for the two-bedroom flat with a massive rooftop that we were in previously. But you pay the price for what you want – space and freedom. Now my kettle is pink and so are all the lights.

I decided immediately that I couldn’t cope with being in a shared house during a breakup. I am an inherently lonesome person, and I needed to be reminded of my independence. I went to the park by myself today while the sun was out and although Sundays used to be our day, I realised how many other people were sitting alone soaking up the sun too. I haven’t cried in a couple of days and I am putting my energy back into creativity. My long-term relationship – really my first relationship of any kind – caused me to slip into co-dependant tendencies very early on, and now I am learning to be alone again. I have to say, its growing on me quicker than expected.

Love,

Poppy <3